An Inconvenient Drama Queen

So, if you read the blog you know that a big happening in my life is my son's heart. At the beginning I wanted NO ONE to know about the complications. I hid it from my in-laws, and every family member. I would have hid it from my parents but my mother was with me at the cardiology appointment when they diagnosed Andrew. Funny thing is, I truly did not believe that the doctors were going to tell me anything is wrong. All I knew was that he had a heart murmur. NICU nurses told me he may have to take medications when he goes to the dentist. Big frickin deal. I have a murmur, my grandma has a murmur (both of them are innocent murmurs) and the dentist already tortures you- so what's the difference if he slips a little drugs into you at the same time? I've never been more wrong in my life.

Andrew was not diagnosed in utero. He hid his heart every time we tried to look at him. I remember the doctors words hitting me like unexpected shrapnel in a unknown war zone. WHAT!?!?! Surgery? Aorta? What's that? You need to cut his heart open? What are you talking about? Are we on the same planet, no- universe? I left Primary Children's Hospital completely comatose and angry. This wasn't in the plan. We had just got out of the NICU. I was sick and tired of the worry and tiredness. To have a doctor tell me that this would last the rest of my son's life was unacceptable. I didn't want to believe it and I didn't want to hear people's thoughts or opinions on it. So that's why we told no one for a few months. That was a bad plan because when my in-laws found out they were furious we had kept it from them.

If you know about the little boy whose pillow of feathers burst open and he tried to collect all the feathers but there were just too many of them spread all over the place, then you will understand my situation. One person finds out and they tell one person who tells another and so forth- it wasn't information I could control, people were going to know about his heart defect whether or not I wanted them to. So for the past 17 months or so I have grieved publicly. I grieve because this wasn't in the plan. Because I am scared shitless. I grieve because we don't know what the future holds. I grieve because I don't want to see my little boy in pain. I'm open about my feelings and I share them on my blog and even once in testimony meeting to point out how meaningful eternal familes are to me.

I have noticed that this is hard for some people. You don't know what to say to me. You are sick of hearing about hearts. You may not even understand the gravity of the situation therefore you don't understand why I think about it so often. I don't mean to be sad as an inconvenience to you or to make you think I am a drama queen. I talk about it because I am processing this. This is my own road to walk down and I've got to do it the only way I know how. So, I know that I may look obsessed or dramatic with all my references to the situation, but please bear with me. I am going through the experience the best way I know how.

One of my favorite scriptures was after Lazarus died, his family was grief stricken and cried out. Jesus knew that he was going to raise Lazarus and he could have told the family and quickly have turned the situation around but I believe he wanted them to experience their feelings and have love and validation. So, Jesus wept. I realize that I often bring up the topic of my son, but please bear with me and let me process. I could use every ounce of understanding you have, and know that for certain I don't do this to create drama. I'm just in the process of figuring out a way to cope and to give Andrew the best possible life he can have, because if one thing is certain about the future; I want him to enjoy it.