Call Me Crazy...

But I've decided to go back to college. I'm about half way to a bachelors degree and at some point I'd like to be done with school. Poor Matthew has been putting along for the last 7 years. He's always had a full-time job and now we have added a kid into the mix. He's going to be done at SLCC in one year and then for the moment he's thinking he will transfer to the University of Utah to seek a degree in finance and credit. I'm really proud of how hard he's worked. Honestly, he's worked his hind end off. He has a high stress job (collection manager at a credit union) which keeps him busy but we recognize how incredibly lucky we are that he has a job in this economy- actually, ironically enough this economy is job security for him. As far as myself goes, I have a full time stay at home mommy job. The kind that is 168 hours a week- not 40. The pay sucks, well it doesn't exist, but the benefits are greater than any job I know of. I can't thank God enough for letting us have the money for me to stay home, I look at it as a blessing. I love being with Andrew every moment of the day but school is going to be a nice break for me. I've enrolled in some more relaxing classes (electives) watercolor and intro to reading contemporary culture. My reading class is going to be taught by someone I grew up knowing. She was my church leader when I was 11 and then become the Young Women's leader while I was in the program. She's a really neat lady and I jumped at the chance to take a class from her. It's crazy that college sounds fun to me now, perhaps I'll change my mind in 3 months but for now I'm very excited. Matthew on the hand, well the poor guy just keeps plugging along whether he's happy about it or not. Usually not. That's why he's my hero.

Some Pictures Are Too Priceless Not To Post...

This was last summer. My dad had ankle surgery. Andy and my dad have a connection that was completely made in heaven. I'm an only child, and a girl, so Andy really is my dad's first little boy. He's crazy about that kid, and you can see in the picture Andy is just as crazy about him. Andy brings a lot of people joy because I think they see in him strength in adversity and just a ball full of happiness. He's conquered hospitals. Such a good little sport no matter what happens. I wanted to share Andy's love that day with my dad and I don't think anything else would have been more healing...




And Speaking of Andy and his grandpa; here's another precious picture of them. Of course, Andy will always think he's on a first name basis with Santa and we will leave it that way rather than telling him it's good old 'Bumpa'. I sort of wonder if Andy knew, what kid doesn't scream and cry but instead smile for a picture with Santa? Like I say, he's a happy guy. Sometimes life is pure joy.

An Inconvenient Drama Queen

So, if you read the blog you know that a big happening in my life is my son's heart. At the beginning I wanted NO ONE to know about the complications. I hid it from my in-laws, and every family member. I would have hid it from my parents but my mother was with me at the cardiology appointment when they diagnosed Andrew. Funny thing is, I truly did not believe that the doctors were going to tell me anything is wrong. All I knew was that he had a heart murmur. NICU nurses told me he may have to take medications when he goes to the dentist. Big frickin deal. I have a murmur, my grandma has a murmur (both of them are innocent murmurs) and the dentist already tortures you- so what's the difference if he slips a little drugs into you at the same time? I've never been more wrong in my life.

Andrew was not diagnosed in utero. He hid his heart every time we tried to look at him. I remember the doctors words hitting me like unexpected shrapnel in a unknown war zone. WHAT!?!?! Surgery? Aorta? What's that? You need to cut his heart open? What are you talking about? Are we on the same planet, no- universe? I left Primary Children's Hospital completely comatose and angry. This wasn't in the plan. We had just got out of the NICU. I was sick and tired of the worry and tiredness. To have a doctor tell me that this would last the rest of my son's life was unacceptable. I didn't want to believe it and I didn't want to hear people's thoughts or opinions on it. So that's why we told no one for a few months. That was a bad plan because when my in-laws found out they were furious we had kept it from them.

If you know about the little boy whose pillow of feathers burst open and he tried to collect all the feathers but there were just too many of them spread all over the place, then you will understand my situation. One person finds out and they tell one person who tells another and so forth- it wasn't information I could control, people were going to know about his heart defect whether or not I wanted them to. So for the past 17 months or so I have grieved publicly. I grieve because this wasn't in the plan. Because I am scared shitless. I grieve because we don't know what the future holds. I grieve because I don't want to see my little boy in pain. I'm open about my feelings and I share them on my blog and even once in testimony meeting to point out how meaningful eternal familes are to me.

I have noticed that this is hard for some people. You don't know what to say to me. You are sick of hearing about hearts. You may not even understand the gravity of the situation therefore you don't understand why I think about it so often. I don't mean to be sad as an inconvenience to you or to make you think I am a drama queen. I talk about it because I am processing this. This is my own road to walk down and I've got to do it the only way I know how. So, I know that I may look obsessed or dramatic with all my references to the situation, but please bear with me. I am going through the experience the best way I know how.

One of my favorite scriptures was after Lazarus died, his family was grief stricken and cried out. Jesus knew that he was going to raise Lazarus and he could have told the family and quickly have turned the situation around but I believe he wanted them to experience their feelings and have love and validation. So, Jesus wept. I realize that I often bring up the topic of my son, but please bear with me and let me process. I could use every ounce of understanding you have, and know that for certain I don't do this to create drama. I'm just in the process of figuring out a way to cope and to give Andrew the best possible life he can have, because if one thing is certain about the future; I want him to enjoy it.

Needing A Change

I think it's time for my blog to evolve a bit. Right now it's really just a giant scrapbook to entertain grandparent's and those hard up for entertainment, because let's face it- my life is fascinating to me but you can only look at so many family/vacation/silly pictures. I've decided to put more substance of my thoughts into my blog. I'm not doing it because I want my blog to be more entertaining, I just want a place to collect my thoughts and to work out things that are floating around in my mind. I'm not inclined to make my blog private yet, we'll see how things work out. I am, however, going to do away with email notifications that I have updated the blog. For some reason that stifles me. Sometimes I don't say the things that I am thinking because I know it will be sent out in mass alert to those on my email list, and sometimes it's really nothing important. I don't want to bombard people with my ramblings. So that means for those of you who are on my list now, you are going to have to start checking for updates. I still will include pictures of Andy because I think he is the world's cutest thing, so you're going to have to deal with that. He's a part of my life just as much as my thoughts are and I am very vain and like to show him off. Anyway, here's to writing, getting it out of my head and onto my blog.

It's Summer; Let The Good Times Roll!!!

Here is an onslaught of pictures of what we have been doing this summer. It's been an eventful one and Andy is a happy guy no matter where I drag him.

Can you tell I love this kid? Exhibit A: Crushing hug.

Walking around at 'Cecret' Lake near Snowbird, enjoying all the wildflowers.

He's a wobbler.

Nana packs Andy around now that she can walk.

In the world of Andrew you eat a banana like it's corn on the cob, including the peel.

Swimming at Snowbird with Bumpa makes Andy happy.

Nana, Andy and Mr. Squirrel getting a group shot.

Panning for gemstones at Snowbird. Andy thought this was another opportunity to go

swimming. Forget the gems.

Roasting marshmallows at the cabin. Grandpa, put me down! I want to play with the fire.

Pops and Andy at the cabin. Can you believe these guys are only exactly 80 years apart?

Pops is a kid at heart.

Andy getting his weekly wagon ride. That wagon was one of the best purchases ever made. Bumpa packs Andy everywhere.

At the Dinosaur museum. Looking mighty fine in our explorer hat.

I wouldn't get too close Andy, you probably look like shrimp scampi to him.

I dumped Andy in the pool naked; cool off a little. I'd do the same if I could.

My cute little man. Loving the pool and balls.

Sporting the cape. Andy, you will always be my superhero.

One more superhero to throw in the mix; Matthew!

Here we are at color me mine, I love making a mess and paying someone else to clean it up.

Andy did a good job painting hearts for mothers day. The mom's loved them.

5 Years Down... Eternity To Go...

This is an extremely overdue post. For those of you who know me well, I've experienced a lot lately, with the health of loved ones and passing of one of them. I'm emotionally drained AND super busy, so you'll have to excuse the lack of posts lately.

This post makes me super happy. I love my hubby, he keeps me sane and joyful. (The world is grateful I'm sure, you don't want to see me insane and upset) We celebrated our 5 year anniversary on June 26, 2009. That sounds like a long time to me but it really hasn't felt that long. We've been together NINE years, NINE! That is 36% of my entire life. I honestly can't remember what life was like without him. For our 5 year anniversary we went to The Anniversary Inn in Logan:

This awesome bed and breakfast has themed rooms. On our honeymoon we stayed in the Romeo and Juliet suite and after we were sealed in the temple we stayed in The Mysteries of Egypt room. Obviously, it's how we like to celebrate. This time we choose Rich's Drive-In, which is a room that is decorated like- you guessed it, a drive-in. It has a truck in the middle of the room and in the truck bed is the actual bed where you sleep. It has a huge projector and screen on the wall to watch movies. It even has a little concessions area with popcorn and hot dogs. TONS of fun. We watched 'Father of the Bride', I had forgotten how cute that show is, and 'Twilight.' Matt pointed out that the truck that Bella drives around in the movie is just like the one we were sleeping in :

Matthew took me to get dinner and then he popped this surprise on me:

It's amazingly hard to get a focused picture of a ring, but you can sort of see what I'm showing you; an anniversary band with little diamonds across it. My hubby knows how to make me smile. We had an awesome time and I always like it when I can spend time with just Matthew, without any distractions. (Not you Mr. Andrew, if you ever look back and read this, we don't like being away from you for too long) I won't go on and on about how much I love Matthew for too much longer because I am sure you are all searching for you barf buckets by now but I'll keep it short; 5 things I love about him for the 5 years we've been together.

Matthew,

1. Through the years you've always loved me for me. I look at lot different (not necessarily for the better) than I did when I was 16, and you can stand to look at me in the morning. I know when I'm 90 I'll be just as beautiful to you then as I am now.

2. You are an amazingly hard worker, I owe it to you that I can stay at home with Andrew.

3. As people have even mentioned; you have strong integrity. Even to a fault at times, if that even makes sense.

4. You make me laugh so hard without even trying, and then you get upset that I'm laughing and it makes me laugh even harder.

5. As difficult as it is at times to be a heart mommy and as much strength as that takes, it is just as difficult to be a heart daddy. You do it with such grace and strength. You are my rock and when you take time off work to meet us at Primary's the sorrow I carry is suddenly lifted and I am not alone.

Love you Matthew, always have, always will.

Andy's Famous!

This was the most fun surprise I've had all week. I was checking up on Paul Cardall's Blog (view it at http://mytricuspidatresia.blogspot.com/), and what do I find, but my cute little boy! As many of you know, Paul suffers from CHD and is currently waiting for a heart transplant. Paul is trying to raise awareness of CHD and wrote this music and produced this beautiful video of all our heart friends and it's showing Andy as the default picture for the video! Maybe we should have him audition for the movies :)

Pictures My Parents Took

I'm over at my parent's house using their computer to see if they have any cute pictures of Andy. I'm in luck! They have a few. Take a look:

The Family on Mother's Day 2009. My 2nd Mother's Day!

We look really happy don't we?? Most of the time we are...